the liberation process began the moment i became aware of all that i had been repressing under a shroud of fear. the constant judging of my feelings was enough to suffocate me with a thick cloud of smoke… smoke rings in the shape of shoulds and shouldn’ts… self consciousness.

yesterday i vowed to allow my emotions to flow through me. no need to stop the conveyor belt of feelings. while the flow gets backed up, all of the emotions i never get to are pushed down. repressed. my purpose? inhale. exhale. allow. release. don’t stop the flow. intellectualization and over-analysis isolates. i want to stay connected. my emotions are not fixed representations of my state of affairs forever and always. they are a moment by moment temperature reading of my beliefs and thoughts surrounding such issues. so why am i hell bent on holding on to them? forget it, let go.

today, i relish in the releasing of fears i didn’t even know i was repressing. the wild woman within. the one that freely expresses herself without a filter. how did i not know? these years of patriarchy have been slowly killing the feminine nature. they told us masculinity was all powerful…more powerful than our own nature, and we believed it. we thought we had to be masculine, be like men. we forgot the power of our femininity. this is the myth of eve… she believed the lie… WE believe the lie.

thanks to some revolutionary revelations i encountered on this blog, i understand now. my femininity is my power. open. receptive. vulnerable. surrendering. relaxed. trusting.

this here is freedom.
sensually…experiencing life with my whole body-being.
sexually… possessing the power and desire to heal. to give birth to tribes and ideas, dreams and reality…all from my womb.
emotionally… i feel the unvoiced thoughts loves joys and fears of my family and community and the earth.

oh, its scary. but its freedom. i am inspired to be free from every thought, belief, feeling, law, person and persona. i am who am when i am whatever i wanna be! i answer to no one but me. femininity is nebulous, fluid and ethereal. uncontainable.

the totality of me is rising. free.

How could I be so repressed and fearful of expressing myself? I mean I’m a writer… an artist. This is what I do! I write and sing about my life. My experiences. But somehow, I’ve still been behind a mask.

There are so many things that go into making a person. A myriad of experiences as well as familial influence, nature and nurture. In this moment I realize that none of those things are me.

Beneath all of my perceived ideas of what others expect and want for me, beyond conditioned behavior patterns and hereditary or genetic predispositions lie my own desires and feelings. However, I am not chained to either of those things. I’m free to want and feel anything in any moment. Somehow, though, I haven’t felt free. There has been an inexplicable bondage to the past, to some vague perceptions and much delusion. Slowly, the covers are being pulled back.

Even in writing this blog, I can be so cryptic and very careful in how I say what I say because I know that people are reading. Is it just me who feels so self-conscious? I just wanna shake myself free from this.

I watched the movie Case 39 the other day and I walked away with the realization that we can carry fear with us for years…from childhood etc. And all this time it is subconsciously creating our experiences and reality. For most of my life, I’ve feared rejection and abandonment. Its paralyzing at times, a muzzle on my needs and wants. And it has definitely been the impetus behind most of my thoughts and actions.

After much reflection and loads of tears, I realized that I don’t want to be accepted. Well at least that’s the idea in my head right now. I’d like to not want to be accepted is more true. This is such a scary place to be. That fear of abandonment is hovering over me, real close. The fear of rejection is right in my ear ready to say “I told you so!” Bullish, I tell you. BULLISH! Ha…

Ok. Its not really funny. I’m on the cusp of breaking out of a cast, a mold. From where it came, I have no clue. But, the more I become my Self, the more I feel the constriction that I’ve been living in. Its like I’ve been imprisoned for so long, but the lights were off so I couldn’t see the bars. But, I see very clearly now. Get me out of here. Well, not so fast. Until I make the final move to break out I’ll continue to play peek a boo.

haiku.
say no without guilt
yes without expectation
this here is freedom

I’ve always been the weirdo in my family. My way of thinking is a like a foreigner in a strange land. For example, I’ve always felt that it was important for me to give freely: to always do for others out of the untainted volition and kindness of my heart. I would run away from anything that even vaguely smelled of a guilt trip or manipulation.

Some think I don’t get “it”; it being their way of thinking or their truth concerning service and giving to others. Always say yes. Particularly to family. Family is all we have. (I personally believe that the nuclear family has destroyed society. But that is another post for another time.) Perhaps its that I don’t feel any loyalty to anyone other than myself. And that means to be the best representation of my Self that I can be in any given moment. (I can hear someone right now yelling at me telling me how selfish I am.)

I hate the feeling of owing. Its bondage of the worst kind. The kind where deeds and gifts are held over my head like a loan up for payment in full. I’d rather you not do or give. Yea, I may be salty in the moment. But, I prefer that than for you to call it up later like “remember when I…” Ummm, no I don’t.

In the past, it has been very difficult for me to say no without self-flagellation and being overrun with feelings of guilt. So, another level of freedom is for me to be able to say no without guilt. I don’t want to hold anything over anyone’s head. I don’t want for them to feel bogged down with my expectation of a certain behavior. If I give you my LOVE, you can know for sure that I won’t come back calling for a return on my investment with interest. If I give you my time, I won’t worry if you’ll be there for me later on. And if I give you a gift, its surely because all I desire to see is the smile on your face knowing that you were thought of, or not…

Trust me. This is not an easy concept for me to hold. But right now, it feels necessary. Mostly, its born out of disappointment. Me being disappointed in people who didn’t live up to my expectation of them. Lovers, friends, family members and even those with whom I am not intimately familiar. Just another thing to contribute to the emotional roller coaster that relationships can be. I really don’t like those things. The up down around swoop and fall. Yuck! PEACE is such a necessity these days. Everyday.

At the root of this paradigm is that the Universe has my back. I can love on you, give you money and time etc. and not feel anyway about it. . say yes without expectation. An addendum would be that I can give in full knowledge of the Truth that what goes around surely does come back around. Whatever I put out will be reflected back to me with the same intention that was behind my action. It won’t necessarily come back from the person I gave to. Oddly enough, this gives me the freedom to say yes more than no. I’m getting there. Fundamentally, I don’t own anything so its impossible for me to owe anyone or for anyone to owe me.

Don’t get me wrong. There are basic expectations in a relationship or connection with another human being. However, the onus is on me to show up as what it is that I desire. That way I’m never waiting on anyone to be anything to me or do anything for me. I haven’t yet perfected this art, but I’m getting there.

Ego. Beyonce said her boo has a big one, and so does she. Obviously a point of pride for her. Well, I’ve got a big one too. And it ain’t swag. It’s a brick wall, a tower built around me…closing me off from the world.

I spent my whole childhood building her. Protecting my fragile insides from the darkness of the world. She served me well then. Made sure that I survived long enough to become aware of myself. Thank you, ego. But what use does she have now? Now, she is the warden of my soul.

LOVE wants in.What is the big deal then? Ego is like a skeptical child. She believes that I am separate from everyone around me. And she likes to say, “See, I told you so.” But she is so young and naive. Fresh out the womb. (Yes, perceived separateness is the shock of physical reality.) She had to keep telling herself that so that she would make it through. But now consciousness has risen within me. Truth has surfaced. Really, I knew it all along. I just had to re-member…put the pieces back together again.

“I am remembering Love.”That is a line from one of my favorite movies.  But, it totally applies here. I AM re-membering LOVE. Its all coming together now. Falling away are the projections of my past that reckon to be faced like demons or fears. I mean that’s what they are…fear. All of them. All of my projections. Its so much easier to put them on someone else, my tendency to be emotionally over indulgent. Or to be a controlling Miss know-it-all who comes on too strong and doesn’t know when to shut her darn trap! Dear God! Stop me please… Laughing. But serious.

I guess judgment does serve some purpose, only if I take it to the next level of identifying the admired or condemned behavior as me. The latter sounds more noble. But, in the hands little ole naive Ego? Dangerous. One of her many tools to further the illusion of separation.

Free from myself. This is liberation. Free from the judgment that leads to sadness and loneliness. Free from identifying with any of it, other than to heal myself. I wish someone would have told me this sooner. That we are all ONE. That the Universe is one big conspiracy to help me evolve spiritually. That Consciousness is who/what I AM. That LOVE IS ALL. It tried…I think. But then again, I was probably too busy telling it what to do, with my hand on my hip and cotton in my ears.

In my previous post, I came to the realization that I am the only person withholding anything from myself. Love, mainly. Defensiveness and fear of intimacy and vulnerability had left me sick, literally, with years of chronic allergy and sinus issues. However, healing is nigh.

I know I can be deep sometimes. It makes it hard for people to understand me. I don’t understand what I say half of the time until months and years later. It happens all the time with my music. My former self writes music for my future self. Yea, see what I mean?

Here’s the deal. Relationships of all kinds, family, friends, lovers, strangers; are all mirrors. And when I connect with someone, I connect because I see my reflection in them. However, the longer I stare into the mirror, I start to forget that its my reflection that I’m looking at. In the beginning of relationships,  its so easy to see all the wonderful things about the other person. They are showing me myself. And I look so pretty! I know that when I first start looking in the mirror at myself, its just an opportunity for self admiration. But, the longer I stare the more of my flaws I see. The parts of myself that I don’t like become bigger than the parts that I love. I squirm and get uncomfortable and don’t want to look any more. I start to blame it on the mirror and the light and what I ate that day…

I run. I’d really rather connect than run. But, my reflection is so scary. Its like, really? That’s me? Sigh… Running is defensiveness, blame… But really its all a big game of projection. And its keeping me from what I really want. “I just want to be Loved. I hope you can see. That’s why I’m always giving Love. But, not always perfectly. So, don’t ever give up…” (Green Peace)

See, its the likes that attract me to a person. Its the dislikes that repulse me. Its both that leave me isolated. Its both that keep me from truly connecting. My likes reflected in another become a means to good feelings. The dislikes become a means to rejection of the other, but really its me I’m rejecting. If I could just get past myself, then perhaps I could finally get what I’ve been craving all along. I’d stop projecting my personal idiosyncrasies onto someone else and blaming them for what I feel in response.

Its still me. This begs the question. Who am I? If I’m just looking for myself in another, then it seems like the real issue is getting to the core of who I really am. I have got to be more than a collection of likes and dislikes, personality traits, successes and failures. I mean, what are those things anyway? Are they of any real value? I don’t think so.

I crave deep and intense connection. I want to be close. Beyond my likes and dislikes, beyond my preferences and personality, my soul was created to manifest G-O-D. And this happens like magic when I connect with another. One drop of water can sizzle, freeze or dry up and get tainted with anything around it. But, 2 drops or a million drops can quench thirst. Millions of gallons of water can wear away years of rock and dirt. Each one of us is a drop of water. When I connect the divinity (Divine-Entity) that is me with the Divine Entity that is another, a manifestation of G-O-D occurs in the midst.

But FIRST, I must acknowledge G-O-D, Divine-Entity, as my Self.

I don’t try to understand this Truth with my intellectual mind. Quite frankly, its doesn’t make any sense. A bunch of metaphysical mumbo-jumbo. But, I feel it. It resonates with my soul. The indescribable power and overwhelming feeling that happens when I connect with my Self. And then connecting that same part with another. I know you know what I mean… a conversation. a kiss. a look into another’s eyes as you pass on the street.  For that brief moment, I have connected with the divine in another. A spark.

My personality must be the slave. I can no longer allow my likes and dislikes to decide when, how and where I connect. If I it does, the moment it finds something that it doesn’t like, I’m isolated once again from an opportunity to connect.

My soul exists to BE what I’m seeking in another.

Whew. This is like Pandora’s Box. And I don’t know what’s in there.

Onward. Upward.