the liberation process began the moment i became aware of all that i had been repressing under a shroud of fear. the constant judging of my feelings was enough to suffocate me with a thick cloud of smoke… smoke rings in the shape of shoulds and shouldn’ts… self consciousness.

yesterday i vowed to allow my emotions to flow through me. no need to stop the conveyor belt of feelings. while the flow gets backed up, all of the emotions i never get to are pushed down. repressed. my purpose? inhale. exhale. allow. release. don’t stop the flow. intellectualization and over-analysis isolates. i want to stay connected. my emotions are not fixed representations of my state of affairs forever and always. they are a moment by moment temperature reading of my beliefs and thoughts surrounding such issues. so why am i hell bent on holding on to them? forget it, let go.

today, i relish in the releasing of fears i didn’t even know i was repressing. the wild woman within. the one that freely expresses herself without a filter. how did i not know? these years of patriarchy have been slowly killing the feminine nature. they told us masculinity was all powerful…more powerful than our own nature, and we believed it. we thought we had to be masculine, be like men. we forgot the power of our femininity. this is the myth of eve… she believed the lie… WE believe the lie.

thanks to some revolutionary revelations i encountered on this blog, i understand now. my femininity is my power. open. receptive. vulnerable. surrendering. relaxed. trusting.

this here is freedom.
sensually…experiencing life with my whole body-being.
sexually… possessing the power and desire to heal. to give birth to tribes and ideas, dreams and reality…all from my womb.
emotionally… i feel the unvoiced thoughts loves joys and fears of my family and community and the earth.

oh, its scary. but its freedom. i am inspired to be free from every thought, belief, feeling, law, person and persona. i am who am when i am whatever i wanna be! i answer to no one but me. femininity is nebulous, fluid and ethereal. uncontainable.

the totality of me is rising. free.

haiku.
say no without guilt
yes without expectation
this here is freedom

I’ve always been the weirdo in my family. My way of thinking is a like a foreigner in a strange land. For example, I’ve always felt that it was important for me to give freely: to always do for others out of the untainted volition and kindness of my heart. I would run away from anything that even vaguely smelled of a guilt trip or manipulation.

Some think I don’t get “it”; it being their way of thinking or their truth concerning service and giving to others. Always say yes. Particularly to family. Family is all we have. (I personally believe that the nuclear family has destroyed society. But that is another post for another time.) Perhaps its that I don’t feel any loyalty to anyone other than myself. And that means to be the best representation of my Self that I can be in any given moment. (I can hear someone right now yelling at me telling me how selfish I am.)

I hate the feeling of owing. Its bondage of the worst kind. The kind where deeds and gifts are held over my head like a loan up for payment in full. I’d rather you not do or give. Yea, I may be salty in the moment. But, I prefer that than for you to call it up later like “remember when I…” Ummm, no I don’t.

In the past, it has been very difficult for me to say no without self-flagellation and being overrun with feelings of guilt. So, another level of freedom is for me to be able to say no without guilt. I don’t want to hold anything over anyone’s head. I don’t want for them to feel bogged down with my expectation of a certain behavior. If I give you my LOVE, you can know for sure that I won’t come back calling for a return on my investment with interest. If I give you my time, I won’t worry if you’ll be there for me later on. And if I give you a gift, its surely because all I desire to see is the smile on your face knowing that you were thought of, or not…

Trust me. This is not an easy concept for me to hold. But right now, it feels necessary. Mostly, its born out of disappointment. Me being disappointed in people who didn’t live up to my expectation of them. Lovers, friends, family members and even those with whom I am not intimately familiar. Just another thing to contribute to the emotional roller coaster that relationships can be. I really don’t like those things. The up down around swoop and fall. Yuck! PEACE is such a necessity these days. Everyday.

At the root of this paradigm is that the Universe has my back. I can love on you, give you money and time etc. and not feel anyway about it. . say yes without expectation. An addendum would be that I can give in full knowledge of the Truth that what goes around surely does come back around. Whatever I put out will be reflected back to me with the same intention that was behind my action. It won’t necessarily come back from the person I gave to. Oddly enough, this gives me the freedom to say yes more than no. I’m getting there. Fundamentally, I don’t own anything so its impossible for me to owe anyone or for anyone to owe me.

Don’t get me wrong. There are basic expectations in a relationship or connection with another human being. However, the onus is on me to show up as what it is that I desire. That way I’m never waiting on anyone to be anything to me or do anything for me. I haven’t yet perfected this art, but I’m getting there.

In my previous post, I came to the realization that I am the only person withholding anything from myself. Love, mainly. Defensiveness and fear of intimacy and vulnerability had left me sick, literally, with years of chronic allergy and sinus issues. However, healing is nigh.

I know I can be deep sometimes. It makes it hard for people to understand me. I don’t understand what I say half of the time until months and years later. It happens all the time with my music. My former self writes music for my future self. Yea, see what I mean?

Here’s the deal. Relationships of all kinds, family, friends, lovers, strangers; are all mirrors. And when I connect with someone, I connect because I see my reflection in them. However, the longer I stare into the mirror, I start to forget that its my reflection that I’m looking at. In the beginning of relationships,  its so easy to see all the wonderful things about the other person. They are showing me myself. And I look so pretty! I know that when I first start looking in the mirror at myself, its just an opportunity for self admiration. But, the longer I stare the more of my flaws I see. The parts of myself that I don’t like become bigger than the parts that I love. I squirm and get uncomfortable and don’t want to look any more. I start to blame it on the mirror and the light and what I ate that day…

I run. I’d really rather connect than run. But, my reflection is so scary. Its like, really? That’s me? Sigh… Running is defensiveness, blame… But really its all a big game of projection. And its keeping me from what I really want. “I just want to be Loved. I hope you can see. That’s why I’m always giving Love. But, not always perfectly. So, don’t ever give up…” (Green Peace)

See, its the likes that attract me to a person. Its the dislikes that repulse me. Its both that leave me isolated. Its both that keep me from truly connecting. My likes reflected in another become a means to good feelings. The dislikes become a means to rejection of the other, but really its me I’m rejecting. If I could just get past myself, then perhaps I could finally get what I’ve been craving all along. I’d stop projecting my personal idiosyncrasies onto someone else and blaming them for what I feel in response.

Its still me. This begs the question. Who am I? If I’m just looking for myself in another, then it seems like the real issue is getting to the core of who I really am. I have got to be more than a collection of likes and dislikes, personality traits, successes and failures. I mean, what are those things anyway? Are they of any real value? I don’t think so.

I crave deep and intense connection. I want to be close. Beyond my likes and dislikes, beyond my preferences and personality, my soul was created to manifest G-O-D. And this happens like magic when I connect with another. One drop of water can sizzle, freeze or dry up and get tainted with anything around it. But, 2 drops or a million drops can quench thirst. Millions of gallons of water can wear away years of rock and dirt. Each one of us is a drop of water. When I connect the divinity (Divine-Entity) that is me with the Divine Entity that is another, a manifestation of G-O-D occurs in the midst.

But FIRST, I must acknowledge G-O-D, Divine-Entity, as my Self.

I don’t try to understand this Truth with my intellectual mind. Quite frankly, its doesn’t make any sense. A bunch of metaphysical mumbo-jumbo. But, I feel it. It resonates with my soul. The indescribable power and overwhelming feeling that happens when I connect with my Self. And then connecting that same part with another. I know you know what I mean… a conversation. a kiss. a look into another’s eyes as you pass on the street.  For that brief moment, I have connected with the divine in another. A spark.

My personality must be the slave. I can no longer allow my likes and dislikes to decide when, how and where I connect. If I it does, the moment it finds something that it doesn’t like, I’m isolated once again from an opportunity to connect.

My soul exists to BE what I’m seeking in another.

Whew. This is like Pandora’s Box. And I don’t know what’s in there.

Onward. Upward.

I’ve been fighting for a very long time. Well, the entire time, really. At first, I though I was just defending myself. You know, the world is a mean and crazy place. I was adopted, given up a birth, ripped from mother’s womb without so much as a warm hand or arm to nuzzle against. So, gotta fend for myself. Its me against the world. All kinds of bull-doo-doo I’ve said to myself to justify my behavior. But fundamentally, all of the attacks that I perceive or “say” are coming from the outside have their origins internally.

Say what?!

Yea. Its true. I’m fighting myself. Attacking myself. I’ll get to the metaphysical implications later. But, in a nutshell…I don’t like me. Or Love me. I’m not good enough. Really, I’m not perfect. That’s the real truth. Perfection? You know, I don’t make the right decisions. I’m dependent. I’m emotionally needy. I need people. And to top it all off, I push people away and have the hardest time perceiving Love from others. I know that I am Loved. And I Love with all the of energy of my Being. Or should I say, I-try-to-get-people-not-to-leave-me-once-they-see my-imperfection with all the energy of my being. (That is so NOT Love.) I write songs about Love until I’m blue in the face. Its such an elusive thing to me. Forever searching and finding and losing and starting all over again. I’m obsessed with tangible expressions of it in my life.

This is not a pity party. This is a wake up call…to myself. Love is the essence of the thing. All things.

I’ve been suffering from chronic allergy and sinus problems since about 2002. It just hit me one Spring while I was a sophomore in college. No Benadryl, no nothing would assuage my itchy, runny, sneezing nose. And subsequently, I developed the most heinous sinus infection. Antibiotics. Steroids. Nasal Spray. Asthma medication. Allergy medication. All prescription. I was told repeatedly that I needed to have surgery. I knew nothing about the metaphysical causes of illnesses, but I knew that surgery wasn’t the answer. How could my body possibly be defensive to sweet tree pollen, a little dust or so? Harmless substances.

Stay with me now.

Relationships are the mirrors of our insides. They reflect back to us our deepest fears, inadequacies, strengths and weaknesses alike.The closer we get to other people the more of us they reflect and the harder it is to see that they are our reflection. This is intimacy. Projection 101. Blame, too. You know the drill. And this happens most with our families. The history and years of emotional baggage and patterns can make it difficult to own our boo-boo. When we get into relationships outside of our familial structure, it can be easier if we are aware of what we are dealing with.

So, I found myself being defensive with someone who has shown me nothing but honesty, love, compassion, and care within the context of a very sacred connection. This person wasn’t attacking me. This person was loving me. In the act of expressing their love through care and interest in me and my life. Yet, I went on this rampage. I couldn’t even answer the question that was asked because I was so sure that I was being attacked. This was all subconscious at the time. I wasn’t aware that I was being defensive until it was pointed out to me.

Are you still with me?

I’ve realized since then that I have been defensive with everyone. Combative and very defensive to every inquiry etc…all that were out of Love. And as everyone I encounter is reflecting myself back to me. The attacks that I perceive coming from other people/outside of me actually start on the inside. I am so hard on myself. Always trying to live up to this outrageous standard of perfection in everything I do. And thus, I resent anyone trying to control me by placing the very same expectations on me that I do on myself. I don’t need anyone’s help. I can do it myself. I’ll figure it out. If I show you my weakness, then you won’t Love me. You won’t accept me. I mean sheesh! I know all of my weaknesses and I don’t accept myself. So, I surely don’t expect anyone else to accept me once they see me for who I really am. Its a vicious cycle, you see? As long as I know and am in control, you’ll never see my weakness, only the “perfection”. HA! Now that is funny stuff right there!

Nose Problems
Possible Mind-Body Link – Self recognition
Affirmation for Nose Problems – I recognize my own intuitive ability

Allergies
Possible Mind-Body Link – Denying your own power. Who or what are you allergic to?
Affirmation for Allergies – The world is safe and friendly. I am safe. I am at peace with life.

Sinus Problems
Possible Mind-Body Link – Irritation to someone, usually someone close to you.
Affirmation for Sinus Problems – I choose to declare peace and harmony with all the individuals around me. I surround my self with love and goodwill.

Runny Nose Nose Problems
Possible Mind-Body Link – Asking for help; inner crying.
Affirmation for Runny Nose Nose Problems – I love and comfort myself in ways that are pleasing to me

Stuffy Nose Nose Problems
Possible Mind-Body Link – Not recognizing your own self worth.
Affirmation for Stuffy Nose Nose Problems – I love and appreciate myself

From VitalAffirmations.com

Are you seeing the connection here?

An allergy is the body’s response to a perceived threat. Its attacks itself and other harmless substances. This is what I’ve been doing to myself. Defending myself against perceived threats. Attacking harmless things and people…myself.

I’ve created all of these relationships, especially with my family, to help me heal myself. Is it generational baggage thing? Karma from a past life? I don’t know. However, through their actions everyone has been saying, “Dayna, see how hard on yourself you are? See how you lack Love for yourself? Let me show you. See? This is what you are doing to yourself. I Love you so much that I want you to heal. I am going to show you all the ways in which you have denied yourself and your own power, and how you’ve lacked peace and harmony within yourself, how you have not recognized your own self worth.“

WOW! Its so clear to me now. The Love I thought the world was withholding from me is the Love that I have been withholding from myself. Its all me. Its been me all this time. Where did I learn this behavior? Why? How? I guess none of that manners. The path now is the one that takes me to Knowledge of my Self. I AM. And anything other than I AM is ego. I am weak, imperfect, beautiful, intelligent, talented, combative, defensive an strong… that’s all ego. That is not who I AM. That is my person(ality). Its is my divine lesson to transcend all that follows I AM and only BE I AM.

What a revelation. The healing that awaits on the other side of the desire to heal and the commitment to spiritual growth and evolution is magnificently incomprehensible.

Thank you everyone for showing me myself, for being committed to my growth and evolution as manifestations of G-O-D. It is a conspiracy. A conspiracy to get me to be the best me that I am destined to be.

I’ve been reading, or rather watching videos, of Ekhart Tolle (Author of The Power of Now and A New Earth). The part of his teachings that resonate most with me is the part where he talks about transcending the ego. The ego is that voice that talks to itself in my mind. It judges everyone and everything. It uses past experiences as the only measure for what can happen. The ego seeks self gratification that reinforces the illusion of separateness. Transcendence of the ego happens as the ego becomes subservient to Consciousness. Consciousness is the awareness that All is One. All of these things are Universal Truth that resonates deeply within me.

For so long, I felt trapped in my mind. I felt imprisoned by the voice that speaks like a broken record, repeating stories of guilt for not following the ‘rules’, blame for the things I deemed as ‘bad’ and judgment of everyone and everything. When Ekhart introduced the idea that I didn’t have to listen to, believe or respond to that voice in my mind (the ego), I felt FREE! When it begins its usual negative self talk… its favorite word is ‘should’… I can hear it but not entertain it. And the less I entertain it, the freer I become, the quieter that voice gets and less it talks. This is so liberating!

healing for sure.